The level and depth of your relationships with others is a guiding factor for your success.
As we’ve moved through each of the three previous sections of EI, you likely noticed that each built on the one before it. That is certainly the case with relationship management. Social awareness, self-management, and self-awareness feed into success here. You may see a conflict explode at work, school or home and it roots in the person’s lack of skill to navigate the relationship successfully. It’s like a computer that gets an error and locks up. Unfortunately, you can’t control, alt, delete your way out of these scenarios.
Understanding Relationship Management
Relationship management is the ability to build value-adding relationships with others. Notice that I didn’t say friendship. A person strong in this area understands and realizes the value of building relationships even with people that they don’t get along with. Unless you work in a very small people environment, you’ll likely have someone that you interact with that you don’t totally get along with.
Example of low Relationship Management
“John makes a decision about a person and that’s it. There is no changing his mind. He sees you as an ally or enemy. If he sees you as an enemy, he will let others know and will not put the effort to establish any kind of relationship. He reacts to people instead of responding to them. “
Example of high Relationship Management
“John is an artist when it comes to people. Everyone he interacts with feels valued and know that they matter. Even when John is not happy with an outcome, he communicates it in a way where you know how you missed the mark, but he’s not angry. I think I feel worse about it because I let my leader down, and I hate letting John down. He owns mistakes and is complementary to me.”
Tips to increase your Relationship Management
Back your decision up. When you make a decision, especially if you know it may not be a popular one, explain the whys behind it so that others understand where you are coming from. Also be open to listen to their concerns and be prepared to change if needed.
Be proactive with the inevitable. When you see a conversation that needs to happen inevitably, the time to connect on it is now. Time has a way to fuel the problem and it ends with you and/or the other party boiling over. I would rather take on a small problem than a work-stoppingly large problem that it morphs into later. When you have these conversations, be direct without emotional attachment and be sure to include your strengthened empathy and listening skills that you’ve picked up.
Build trust. A couple of ways to build trust in a relationship is to first be willing to accept feedback in a constructive way. When you show that you can’t take feedback well, you lose the trust of the other person and they no longer want to help you get better. The second is to own your mistakes and failures. If you are a leader you may have to own a mistake that you didn’t even make the decision on. Being willing to do the small things like apologize, say thank you and appreciation go a long way.
Acknowledge where the person is. This was an area I was really bad at before. Someone comes to you and tells you what they are going through and you do your best to quickly move on from the conversation. It may be because it makes you uncomfortable or you don’t know what to say. Simply acknowledging the emotion or struggle is a great starting point.
Combine your relationship management skills along with social awareness, self-management, and self-awareness to bring your career (and personal life) to new satisfying heights.
The ability to read a room is just as important as the ability to read a book.
Social awareness is all about that guy. You know the one. He is the person that just misses everything that’s going on around them in a conversation. It’s as if they are in a totally different meeting yet they are sitting right beside you. They are usually to themselves too much or linger around too long. Luckily this is a skill that we can impact and influence.
Understanding Social Awareness
Social awareness is the ability to see someone’s emotions and understand what is really going on in the conversation. Have you ever walked away from a meeting or conversation to later find out that the true meaning of what was communicated was not at all what you took away from it? Social awareness is the skill to see all those things while you are in it at the moment. You are contributing and correctly accessing as things unfold. It’s one thing to analyze a conversation from afar than it is being right in the middle of the conversation. Social awareness helps you to stay sharp in your surroundings.
Example of low Social Awareness
“Well, a big thing is that John needs to listen to what’s going on in meetings instead of thinking about what he is going to say. He’s dismissive of others if it’s a different perspective or idea from his own. He gets so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t notice the nonverbals going on around him. Sometimes he’s not very social and other times he lingers too long.”
Example of high Social Awareness
“John is a great active listener. You can just tell that his mind is not somewhere else when he is with you. He can pick up on the emotional undercurrent in meetings and conversations and addresses those in a way that is both respectful and load lifting. He’s very good at understanding what’s going on around him.”
Tips to increase your Social Awareness
Watch for the non-verbals. A person needing stronger social awareness may come across as awkward or out of touch. This is because they often miss the non-verbal social cues. Watch for body language cues that the person is ready to move on from the topic or conversation. Continuing to make your point no longer adds any value and hurts relationships with enough repetition.
Work on your listening skills. Another key area to a victory in social awareness is great active listening skills. Remove all the distractions in your mind and focus strictly on just listening to the other person. Don’t worry about formulating your response here. Show the person that you are listening through your non-verbals and confirmation or clarification on key points that they make. (More help on listening can be found in Passing the Baton Leadership Podcast #60 Listening.)
Feel the mood. To navigate a social setting well, you need to understand the feel of the room well. If its high energy, you don’t need to come in like an Eeyore. If it’s a serious business meeting or personal matter, you may want to leave the jokes at the door. Your demeanor and communication should match up to the feel.
Be fully in the moment. Make sure that you are fully there physically, mentally and emotionally in the conversation. That may mean to pack up the laptop and put away the phone so that it’s not a distraction. It may mean not taking extensive notes in a meeting. Do what needs to be done to ensure that you are fully in the moment with the person. Many people miss things because they have their head in a computer or their face glued to a screen.
Great social awareness makes your meetings more enjoyable, your conversations more valuable and your reputation stronger.
By constant self-discipline and self-control, you can develop greatness of character. -Grenville Kleiser.
Spotting a person with low self-management skills is easy in the workplace. They typically have outbursts, let their emotions run them down and in short become their own worst enemy. You may see this person (or be this person) and think that there is no hope. The good news is that is quite achievable if we focus on this area along with our self-awareness from last week.
Self-management is all about how you act, react or take no action at all. This piece is heavily dependant on self-awareness because you need to understand yourself and your triggers to be able to manage them well. The first step is the ability to control your reactions to tough, challenging and annoying moments. The challenge is working this into a long-term mindset. It’s easy to see you need to control yourself when someone drops a gallon of milk on the floor. It’s not as easy to understand that blowing up in a meeting may cost you the personal equity you need to push a project through six months from now.
Example of low Self-Management
“John is quick, harsh and too much to the point. I wish he’d take some time to gather himself when things get stressful. He vents…. a lot. John also has a hard time letting other people win or acknowledging their contributions over this own. It’s not that he doesn’t care about his team. He does. He lets his emotions fully control how he leads.”
Example of high Self-Management
“John is in one word professional. He shows so much patience and empathy with everyone that he deals with. It really shows when I can see how he deals with ones that I know annoy him. He keeps a high standard, but handles his people with care and respect no matter the circumstance.”
Tips to increase your Self-Management
Find someone not invested in the problem. Sometimes we can get caught up in a cycle of our own emotions and negativity. It’s helpful to take the scenario or situation to someone you trust that’s not invested in the problem. They aren’t inherently attached to a thought or idea and can help guide you as you make your decision. Just make sure that the person is truly neutral and doesn’t show a biased to your decision just because it’s coming from you. (Those are called enablers.)
Find a skilled mentor or advisor. This is a great area where pairing up with someone who is strong in this area can benefit you greatly. They likely have little secrets and tips that they themselves use as they navigate those moments. They didn’t magically become a shining example of self-restraint. They use a toolbox that they created to ensure their success. Take their toolbox.
Add some space. This can be a small space of doing math in your head or counting to 10 when you feel yourself getting angry. You might need a larger space which translates into a better sleep habit or some time off from work. Add the space needed as the situation warrants.
Learn from everyone you meet. This has been a key to my personal growth as I continue to strengthen this area. Observe those you come in contact and notice how they handle themselves in tough and challenging situations. I learned from both ends of the spectrum. I try to emulate those that show restraint and stay focused in a conversation. I also try to get an understanding of how the person is able to accomplish that piece. On the flip side, I look to learn about the whys when a person can’t control themselves, take a mental picture of the behavior and then look to avoid that same behavior.
Good self-management allows you the opportunity to be heard, respected and gives you the chance to build trust and relationships.
Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachments to it being right or wrong, good or bad.
If there is a piece of emotional intelligence that stands out the most, it’s self-awareness. Its also the foundation that relationship management, self-management, and social awareness are built on. It’s hard to have much growth in the other three without this piece.
Before diving too deep into this subject, some mistakenly think that having self-awareness is about this long journey of traveling down the deepest darkest and most suppressed corners of your emotions and trauma. Rest assured that is not the case. Self-awareness is about understanding what triggers you have that strike an emotional response and why you have those triggers. It’s also about what motivates (and demotivates) you, what you do well, what you need to work on and how a particular person can set you off.
Example of low Self-Awareness
“John’s stress and sense of being overwhelmed are projected on the ones that he is around. He cares for people but seems like he is in his own little world. He doesn’t understand why he doesn’t fit in and things can become awkward for the other person. If things are going well, so is John. John needs to recognize his triggers so he can respond better.”
Example of high Self-Awareness
“John understands his place on the job and his contribution to a meeting and conversations. He is a long-term planner that doesn’t sacrifice the here and now for his desired future. He understands his emotional triggers and has things in place to handle those when they happen. John does a great job of staying calm in those crazy moments we all have.”
Tips to increase your Self-Awareness
Quit treating your emotions as good or bad. People with poor self-awareness tend to get hung up here and linger or fret about the emotion being good or bad. An emotion is neither good or bad, how you handle yourself in the situation is what counts. You can be a sore winner and damage relationships, just as you can be kind in your grief.
Don’t let your mood fool you. A bad mood can influence your perception around you. Try not to give it more fuel by constantly giving it mental space. Acknowledge that it’s there and let it pass. On the other end, great moods can lower our guards and cause us to make decisions we later regret. This sometimes catches people when they make significant buying decisions during a good mood and then regret it later. There is a reason why there is a saying, “The two best days of a boat owners life are the day that they buy the boat and the day that they sell it.”
Know and understand your triggers. Do some self-reflection to understand what annoys you or sets you off. Go slightly deeper and look to the whys. Understanding these two pieces with help give yourself a warning as those moments take shape so you can react better.
Watch yourself. Once you know those triggers (Specifically and generally) Watch yourself as those begin to manifest themselves. It will help you mentally and emotionally get out in front of it when it actually happens. I do this as I prepare for challenging meetings and conversations. It has helped me tremendously over the years as I have used this tip to strengthen my self-awareness.
Self-awareness is the most important section of emotional intelligence. Strengthen this area so that you can grow how you manage yourself, your relationships and your social settings.
It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of head over heart – it is the unique intersection of both. – Dan Caruso
Have you ever encountered a person that was just too book smart for their own good? How about having an excruciating conversation with someone because they don’t pick up on social cues? Perhaps you’ve interacted with someone who has no idea how they come across to others. Those are all examples of a lack of EQ and you can easily find it on a daily basis.
What is Emotional Intelligence
As our quote from Dan Caruso says, EQ is not something that competes against IQ. In combination, they make you the person that you are. IQ is set from birth. It’s not your intelligence, but your ability to learn. Barring a medical incident, your IQ doesn’t change from a high school student to a senior executive. Your EQ, however, is very pliable and you have a great influence on being able to grow and strengthen it.
EQ is also not an aspect that a person can compensate for or outthink with IQ or pure action. Your spinal cord is attached to the back of your brain and sends all information through the limbic (emotional) part of your brain before it arrives at your rational part. Its an unavoidable skill set that you can influence or let it dictate your potential.
The Impact of EQ
The funny thing about emotional intelligence is that is rarely discussed or taught formally, yet it significantly impacts the work that you do. Studies show that it can account for 58% of your performance no matter your job type. It’s the single biggest predictor for performance, leadership ability, and your personal excellence. Here are a few of the many areas that grow in correlation to your growth in EQ:
EQ is so valuable that it is tied directly to your earning potential. The higher the EQ, the higher your potential for salary. People with a high EQ make an average of $29,000 more a year than those with low EQ. It pays to increase your EQ!
There are four main areas in emotional intelligence that help us increase our EQ. We’ll cover these in detail over the next four weeks.
Self-Awareness: This may be the most important piece and is the linchpin to success with the other three sections. In other words, you can’t be strong in the other sections without good self-awareness.
Self-Management: This will cover how we handle disappointment, frustration, anger, change and problem-solving.
Social Awareness: This will cover how to properly navigate those critical first moments while meeting someone new, listening, etiquette, and reading a room.
Relationship Management: This will cover how to handle feedback, how to show your emotions to others in the right way and in the right context as well as building trust.
Increase your EQ to make yourself a stand out leader, a less stressful person and maybe put a little bit of extra money in your pocket as a result.