Forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and someone else. Neither you nor I are perfect. Your company will fail you. Your team will fail you. Those who are close to you outside of work will fail you. You are also going to fail all three of those groups as well.
Forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing harmful behavior; it’s about releasing yourself and others from the grip of resentment. Holding onto bitterness erodes connection, trust, and peace. In leadership and life, forgiveness is an intentional act of strength that creates space for healing, growth, and restored relationships.
Forgiveness is hard work, especially when trust has been broken or the pain is fresh. You’re not weak for struggling with it; it just shows that you are human. When you choose to move toward forgiveness, even slowly, you open the door to healing and real peace.
Acknowledge the hurt
Forgiveness doesn’t start with pretending everything is okay—it starts with telling yourself the truth about what happened. The hurt, betrayal, or disappointment you experienced is valid. Naming and acknowledging those feelings doesn’t make you bitter; it makes you honest with yourself and the situation.
Before we can begin to forgive someone, we need to face the impact of what happened without guilt for having feelings. Many of us were taught to suppress pain or were told things like, “Just let it go,” or “Don’t make a big deal out of it.” But unspoken pain doesn’t disappear…. it just festers.
When you avoid naming the hurt, you also delay the healing. Forgiveness becomes hollow; something you say you’ve done, but deep down still feel stuck in. Real acknowledgment means sitting with what happened and letting yourself feel and understand. Some self-reflection questions that can help are:
What exactly hurt you? Was it betrayal, neglect, disrespect, or something else?
What did it cost you? Trust, time, confidence, relationship equity, peace?
What are you still carrying from that experience? What impact has this had on your thought process, mental space, or even physical behaviors?
The point here isn’t to wallow in self-pity, it’s to tell yourself the truth because you can’t release the burden and weight until you recognize it.
Separate the person from the behavior
This step is difficult, especially when someone’s actions feel personal or deeply damaging. But here’s a truth that’s helped many leaders I’ve worked with: People are not the sum of their mistakes (and neither are you). Even the people who hurt us are often hurting themselves, or acting from broken places we can’t see.
Forgiveness becomes possible when we stop defining someone entirely by what they did. That doesn’t mean what they did is okay. It means we’re choosing to see their humanity instead of only their failure.
A self-reflection question you may ask yourself is, “What story or history might explain why they acted this way?” The point of the question is not that you look for a reason to rationalize or excuse the behavior, but sometimes understanding can soften the resentment just enough to allow some grace for the other person.
Keep short accounts
I had a whole slew of issues with my father as an adult – betrayal, broken trust, fabrication of the truth, and lack of communication led to us not talking for a number of years. He missed the birth of both my children, and we would go for years without talking or seeing each other. At some point, I realized that forgiveness wasn’t just letting him off the hook for his actions, but holding on to those negative feelings was also holding me back. That self-revelation ultimately led to me calling my dad one day to simply say that I forgave him.
After that event, we began to talk a bit more, and when even got together a couple of times, where he got a chance to meet the kids. About a year later, he passed away very unexpectedly. Can I tell you how thankful I was that I didn’t have to carry that regret of not forgiving him and carrying a burden of guilt and anger the rest of my life?
The longer you hold onto offense, the heavier it gets. Practice the habit of checking in with yourself regularly. “What am I holding onto that I need to release?” Don’t let unspoken frustration turn into long-term disconnection. You never know what circumstances may change, where you are no longer afforded the opportunity to forgive the person.
Set boundaries without bitterness
One of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness is that it means letting someone right back into your life the same way. But forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. You can forgive someone and still decide that certain behaviors, access, or dynamics are no longer acceptable. That’s not punishment; that’s protection and what’s best for you. In the example with my father, I had internally forgiven him and then went on a new journey. “Now what do I do?” was a consistent thought that I pondered on during that time. Should I reach out? Should I just leave things the way that they are and rest in the fact that I no longer carry the weight of resentment like I had for years? Do we just act like nothing ever happened?
I ultimately settled on that while I would reach out, I wasn’t quite ready to jump right back into things. We talked for a few months before we actually met. We got together for lunch as my family was getting ready to move about 10 hours away from his home, and that would end up being the last time that I would see him alive. After our get-together, we agreed to talk about once a month on the phone. It felt good to talk and share about life again,
Setting boundaries can actually be a sign that you’re healing. You’re no longer driven by revenge or fear, but by wisdom and peace. In my case, the physical distance put a natural barrier there between us. That may not be your circumstance, but remember that it is ok to think through and pre-establish what those barriers may look like, from time, distance, types of interactions, and other areas.
Forgiveness isn’t weakness, it’s actually strength with direction. It’s leadership of your own heart. It’s choosing freedom over bitterness, not because the other person deserves it, but because you do.
If you’re struggling to forgive, take heart: You’re not out of place. You’re in process. Keep going, and you’ll find that the baton you’re passing, whether to your team, your family, or your future self, is lighter and stronger than before.
“I want it right now” is the expectation that has become ingrained in our desires in all parts of our lives – from that order that you placed online today, to health goals, and expectations in your business. Instant gratification can be a difficult and sometimes unwise goal to chase. Hasty decisions can lead to costly mistakes for you and others. As you take in a request or are asked for your opinion and direction here are some reasons why you may benefit before giving a response.
Avoiding your impulses
One of the common signs of a person with low self-management skills (Show 147) is that they will react emotionally without thinking clearly. The reaction just comes out for better or worse. This trait can also lead to a lot of regret on the person’s part, apologies that need to be made, and damaged relationships as a result. Taking time before a response is important especially when the topic is critical towards you, your team, or the work you do. It’s natural to get defensive during these times.
Take the time to cool off. Find a trusted advisor or friend to bounce your frustration or potential response off of. Put some effort into understanding where the other person is coming from. They could still be totally wrong, but their perception is their reality. Craft your message so that your response is factual, understanding of their position, and doesn’t do harm to the relationship.
Consider additional options
There are times when you aren’t afforded the luxury of time when it comes to giving a response – think emergency situations or critical errors in customer service. Many times though, we quickly throw out a response just to get the issue off of our to-do list or to prevent it from hindering more of your day.
Taking time to gather your thoughts and perhaps the thoughts of others will help you come to a more holistic and well-rounded solution. That pause may seem unnatural or forced at times when you stop work that is currently going on, but the benefit of fully understanding the situation and potential solutions is worth the effort.
Let your active listening skills and empathy take the wheel
A pause in conversation also gives you a chance to showcase and use your active listening skills. Rushing to respond may result in missed cues, overlooked emotions, or subtle nuances in the speaker’s message. Pausing doesn’t always mean sitting in silence in front of the other person (although that may be appropriate at times). Pausing could be asking reflecting and follow-up questions back as you take in what the person is, or isn’t saying.
Slowing down your response in order to listen more also shows empathy and understanding, and creates space for a genuine connection. When you pause before responding, you are also acknowledging the speaker’s perspective and responding in a way that reflects a true understanding of their thoughts and feelings. We’ve covered empathy quite a bit over the years and a great place to start is with our short series beginning with Understanding Empathy (Show 245-247)
Be sure to check yourself when a quick response is being asked of you. Ask yourself “Do I need to take more time on this for the business or the person?” You’ll find yourself creating better solutions and stronger relationships as a result.
In an ever-changing work dynamic for your team, the skill of empathy has become an important tool in caring for your people so they feel respected, valued; and stick around longer as a result. Rarely does a command to a leader to “be more empathic,” stick in a meaningful way.
The term is dependent on the person’s experience and definition
People’s understanding and definition of the term empathy are really all over the place and are highly dependent on their personal journeys and experiences. Some people think of empathy as simply active listening. Others may classify it as transparency and fairness, while additional leaders may consider empathy as being inclusive and supporting mental health.
With all the confusion on what empathy is, it can cause misalignment between you and others if you define the term and expectations differently. Take time to learn and understand what empathy means to the other person and have them share some examples if possible. If there are gaps, help the person see the opportunities so that you are starting from the same place and can align on the next steps and measure growth and success.
Help them stay other-focused
Showing empathy is a great way to build social connections, trust, and rapport with another person. It’s important for your leader to have awareness and understand that as they feel empathy for another person, they understand that the feeling that they resonate with is the other person’s and not their own. There are strong examples of this in the healthcare and medicine fields. Connecting with a family member after someone passes away, or a vet who euthanizes a family pet are times when the person likely understands and can relate to the grief and pain – “I know how you feel” but they also understand that what they are connecting with someone else’s emotions and they are not their own.
Help your leaders protect themselves from empathic distress
When the line of other-focused becomes blurred in empathy we take on the feeling and internalize it as our own pain and epatetic distress occurs. In the veterinarian example, if they can’t distinguish between the grief of the family and their own grief in a similar situation, the vet may rush the family through the process and pull themselves back and away immediately afterward as a result.
The result is that the vet has negatively impacted the already sensitive situation and is now a burden that both parties will carry going forward. This will also likely impact the vet’s quality of work for the rest of the day if they continue to hold onto the emotion.
Coach your leaders to make the connection, but to be aware and protect the boundary between other-focused and internalizing and taking on the emotions of others.
Additional Resources
Here are some additional resources from the show and site to help you continue to explore the topic of empathy:
Empathy, Sympathy, and Pity (Show 261) We break down the difference between the three words and how and when you leverage them as you engage with others.
Roadblocks to empathy (Show 247) We cover three common barriers to hold us back from being truly empathetic with others.
Tips to grow your empathy (Show 246) Actionable and tangible tips to grow and strengthen your empathy with others.
Understanding empathy (Show 245) Here we discuss what empathy is, what it isn’t, and the three different types of empathy.
Remember that empathy is about connecting with others on an emotional level and demonstrating that you care about their well-being. It’s a skill that can be developed and improved over time with practice, and it’s essential for building more meaningful and supportive relationships. When you help your leaders become more empathetic in a healthy way, everyone wins.
Emotional intelligence is one of those universally needed skills that transcend industries, leadership levels, and educational backgrounds. Everyone benefits from having stronger EQ skills as they navigate relationships with others as well as how they manage much needed self-care.
Today, we’ll cover some tips to help you dial in and strengthen your EQ skills in your day-to-day interactions with others.
Learn to rehearse what you’ll say
We all have unique quirks that we are not aware of, especially when it comes to how we verbally communicate. Emotionally intelligent people have a good understanding of this and are mindful to understand what their quirks are and are intentionally building in new phrases as a habit to connect with and inspire emotions.
A common phrase that people use as others share hardships or challenges that they are going through is “I know how you feel.” There may be positive intent in the statement, but the phrase doesn’t convey understanding like you may think that it does; it communicates completion. “I’ve heard and acknowledged you. Now let’s move on.”
To take the response to the next level you may say something like, “I hear you and I think what you are saying is …..” This shows that you are actively engaged with the person and gives them a chance to correct your understanding or continue the conversation.
Positive intent is great, but without putting thought into how you communicate, you may never reach your goal of having a meaningful connection.
Learn to leverage the 5 whys technique on yourself
Self-awareness blind spots don’t conform to levels of leadership or personality profiles. Everyone has them in some form or another. Going back to your childhood, when you were wide-eyed and full of curiosity about the world around you, ask yourself the question “Why?” as you reflect on your motives, desires, needs, and actions.
Sure, you could answer the first “Why?” fairly superficially, but that’s why you leverage the power of the 5 Whys Technique which says basically that you can get to the root of any problem or concern by asking the question “Why?” as a response to quickly get to the root of the matter.
Why do I want that new role?
I want the title, extra benefits and pay that go with the role. (Ok, why is that?)
The pay would help relieve the pressure at home and I really want to be a director. (Why is that?)
It validates my hard work and who I am to others. (Why is that important?)
I have a high desire for affirmation and recognition.
And there it is. In 5 whys we got down to the root of the personal situation and a view into our own self-awareness. If you use this technique on yourself and you can’t articulate a compelling answer then it is likely a sign you are misaligned with what you are trying to accomplish or it’s an unexplored area of self-awareness that you may need to take more time to reflect on.
Stay mindful of your pace
As leaders, we are often action-oriented. Do the thing and do it now! I’m often the same way. I’d rather knock something out than need to go back later and follow up on additional items. While that action-orientated stance can be very beneficial in eliminating additional meetings as well as freeing up time for your future self, it often serves you well to pause and not immediately respond to external stimuli.
Those that pause before responding to those external stimuli, think email, messages, complaints, or even good things like opportunities, will often come out with the upper hand. Emotionally intelligent leaders appreciate that slower reaction times give them space to be more strategic in their thoughts and protect them from emotional knee-jerk reactions.
End connections with gratitude
The feeling and demeanor that you leave a conversation with is often what others hold on to. Leaders with strong emotional intelligence know this and often go out of their way to find something they can express gratitude for, toward the end of every conversation. Some examples may include:
Easy examples: “I really enjoyed our time together today.” “Thank you for taking the time to talk.” “I really appreciate your feedback and will use it to help influence how we move forward.”
Tough examples: “Thanks for listening and understanding.” “Thank you for coming around to my way of thinking.” “I appreciate the compromise here.” These all build a bridge halfway to the other person but aren’t necessarily a feel-good moment that someone wants to build the other half back with you.
Take it to the next level: Learn to express thanks for something you know the other side will agree with, rather than something that might trigger an undesired emotional reaction. In tough conversations it may look like, “I know this wasn’t comfortable to talk about, but I really appreciate the opportunity for us to come together here. I’m going to take your feedback and get you the resources that you need by ( agreed upon date).”
If this isn’t a regular practice for you, be mindful to insert this sentiment as you close out the conversation. Those virtual meetings with a flurry of goodbyes at the end are a great place to begin to step into this behavior. Are you going to stand out with your gratitude as everyone else goodbye? Probably not, but you are putting it into practice, and that helps build repetition and behavior change.
Growing your emotional intelligence is a process that is a journey as opposed to a course that you become certified in once you complete the training. Continue to work on practical ways to grow your EQ to make you a more impactful leader to those around you.
I’ve had the honor to be a part of some really great life-changing projects, events, and situations in my career. When asked about my proudest moments as a leader the stories typically go down a road of inclusion and helping break barriers for others to succeed in new ways. I simply love helping others meet and exceed their own personal and professional expectations.
Being inclusive not only accelerates your career, it also enhances your business and elevates others in the process. Today, we’ll dive into a couple of different ways to think about inclusion, how to care for it, and some of the common traits that are found in these types of leaders.
Inclusive leaders think about diversity in terms of demographics
The initial place that many people go to when they think about diversity is demographics. This can be a great starting point for a larger journey for you, your team, and your organization.
From a forward-facing perspective, your team should mirror the customers and community that you are serving. Reflect on those two groups. Does your team look similar or do you have some work to do? I once had a leader that recognized the gap on their team but didn’t know how to fill it. They weren’t getting a diverse group of people coming in on their application process. My advice to them was to connect with that community of people and meet them where they are instead of expecting them just to show up at your door. Mix up your recruiting efforts; how you publicize an opening and change your approach.
From an inward-facing perspective, look at the make-up of the team or organization. are there more women at the bottom of the chain and more men at the top? At what point does the dynamic flip? Run the same exercise from a cultural perspective. It can be an extremely eye-opening exercise that brings some strong data points as you begin to tell the story of the journey that needs to be taken.
Inclusive leaders think about diversity in terms of inclusiveness
An inclusive leader knows that being fully inclusive is more than a photo-op, or just getting the right mix of people on board. It’s the power of diversity of thought that really pushes productivity, creativity, and retention rates forward. Companies that rate high in diversity of thought also lower their risk of turnover by 30% (Deloitte Study 2018).
In order to foster, nurture, and grow an environment of inclusiveness, focus on these four things:
Fairness and Respect: People need to know that they will be respected in their work and that their opinion matters. They also don’t want to see signs of favoritism in projects or teams. People want to feel like they have an equal chance to be wildly successful in their roles.
Feeling like they are valued and belong: Associates won’t stick around long if they don’t feel like they can be their true authentic self. It’s not good for them or for your team if they feel like they have to put on a face or hide who they are. They desire to showcase their unique self and feel a part of the larger team.
Safety: In order for your people to be their most innovative, vulnerable, and open they need to feel safe. They desire a sense that what they share will not be used against them, impact them in a negative way, and are supported to openly share.
Empowered to grow: Once they feel safe, and respected and they know that they are valued, helping them gain a true sense of empowerment and then supporting that empowerment into real action is the next step on the journey.
Combining the sightline to demographics with the power of diversity of thought makes for a compelling team that will be highly effective and one that others will want to be a part of.
Traits of an inclusive leader
All great inclusive leaders share some common traits among them. Here are some areas to think about as you work to become more inclusive.
Curiosity: Curiosity in a leader is a great all-around trait to have because it ensures that they stay relevant as times change and have a personal and professional growth mindset. Curiosity leads an inclusive leader to seek out different ideas and experiences from others.
Cultural Intelligence: This is an understanding that your worldview is not the same as others and the ability to seek other perspectives for a larger understanding. I recently saw this in action at a local government meeting where one group dismissed another’s concerns. They felt that since the subject at hand wasn’t offensive to them, then by default it shouldn’t be offensive to anyone else. It was an obvious show of a lack of cultural intelligence.
Collaboration: This leader is aware of gaps in representation and is proactive to help fill those holes in meetings and projects. Are the right people at the table?
Commitment: Being an inclusive leader often requires a culture change, and that is something that takes time. These leaders are committed to a long-term vision, instead of seeing it as a check-the-box project that you move away from.
Courage: Along with commitment comes courage. It will take courage to step in a call out a situation, the current landscape, or have a difficult conversation with a co-worker.
Self-Awareness: We all have biases. Have the self-awareness to know what some of those are or where you have a tendency to let your guard down or go on auto-pilot is important to lower those blind spots.
Self-evaluation time! On a scale of 1-5, how would you rank yourself in each one? (Some categories may be difficult to self-evaluate) Ask a close partner or advisor about how they would rank you in each category to get a good understanding of opportunities for your own personal growth.
No matter where you are in your career or organization, you can become an inclusive leader and have a lasting impact on others.
